The New Positivity

It doesn’t involve using optimism as a weapon.

There are the chronic whiners, complainers, worriers and naysayers. But none as bad as the manic-smiling, glass-overflowing, hyper-drive-happy people. There is a palpable energy around that kind of dares you to try and be that happy.

You can’t, of course, because it’s not real.

People who are genuinely happy have a bouncy, buoyant energy.

It bubbles up and out of them. It is sharable, contagious, giving. Manic happiness, on the other hand, is driving, possessive, self-aggrandizing.

It cannot be shared; rather it demands to be admired, revered– canonized.

It chews up the scenery, gobbles up the energy.

In fact, it’s full of emotional landmines.

Ask the wrong question and a thunderstorm of darkness will overtake the mood. Change the topic of their happiness before they do (which they won’t, so change the topic at all) and the emotional temperature will drop below freezing.

Definitely don’t try and share a related personal story of happiness.

This kind of perceived stealing the spotlight will melt the smile right off their face, resulting in resentment thinly disguised as amused interest. And no one wants that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about true happiness.

What it means, really. What we gain by being happy. And what we must lose to get there. What we gain is not terribly tough to figure out.

It feels good.

We are more likely to be kind, generous and present. And if we are kind, generous and present we are more likely to be happy.

What I am working on is the part regarding what we must lose. And the list keeps getting longer. Just when I think there seriously can’t possibly be another thing to let go of, there is.

Off the top… there’s lamenting the past, worrying about the future, trouble-shooting problems and obsessing over circumstances.

Not to mention feeling guilt, shame and insecurity in varying orders.

One of my all time favorites has to be agonizing over possible reasons for other peoples’ actions until remembering they likely have nothing to do with me at all.

They are easy to list out and make perfect sense as I sit here and write them. In fact, I feel rather evolved, superior and impressed with my tremendous observational brilliance, until…

Joe gets home tonight and I ask if the guy from Hatch and Bailey is coming to fix our door… and if we’ve heard back regarding the boys lacrosse meeting… and when we are supposed to hear back about the new business pitch.

And I dive into worry, problems, anger and obsessive-compulsive thinking.

All of this insanity is driven by one thing: fear.

Fear that what I do will not be enough, what we give our children will not be what they need, that the progress we make in business will not be enough, my attempts to be fun will fail.

You get the point.

Fear.

Fear does not go away. And the worst triggers are usually unconscious.

I’m often mid-question before I realize I’m blazing a path to personal hell that I good-naturedly share with Joe. My worst fear is if I don’t address the fear, it will consume me.

If I don’t feed the fear with my concern, it will destroy me. If I starve it, I will feel resentful. If I hide from it, it will double itself. And if I run it will catch me. So, I am left with one option.

Welcome it in.

What we fear most is simply the dark side of what we love most.

My fear that what we are doing for our boys will not be enough is simply the dark side of our overwhelming love and desire to do everything we can to give them the resources they need to be resilient, compassionate, happy children.

Love what you fear and it will set you free.

Be positively present with whatever is there. If it is scary, allow space for it. Do not indulge it. Do not succumb to it. But most importantly do not resist it. Ask questions. Listen to it

Be with whatever is there, like a good friend, knowing as MLK said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

I always took this to mean between people. But recently it has become more of an intrapersonal rally cry. And one that I’ve expanded on: Chaos does not drive our chaos; only mindfulness can do that.

Speed does not drive out speed; only awareness can do that.

To be positively present… this is our new positivity.