Meet Some Extended Relatives of S.A.D.

First on the list would have to be L.A.D.

Late Afternoon Disorder. And I’d like to officially upgrade it from a thing to a full-fledged disorder. Because let’s face it. It’s a pretty  epic problem with a long list of symptoms and causes.

Plus, because it has so long gone unacknowledged, there is no Vitamin K, sun lamp or doctor recommended trip to the Caribbean readily prescribed for sufferers.

I do realize the extreme slump/ fog/ mental and physical near paralysis that I, and many I know experience is accentuated by the hummingbird pace we all operate at from around 5:30 or 6:00am until right around 3:00. But still.

It is becoming increasingly more unbearable.

I began wondering why. There’s the obvious mid-life joys of hormonal swings but it goes beyond that. As I was doing some soul searching on this topic, I came to a real aha moment. And it comes down to this.

Our children need to step it up.

Perfection has become highly under-rated.

Everyone babbles on about the need for failure and life lessons. But I propose we condense all this energy-sapping learning into a two-day monthly time frame and let dads handle it while we take a spa week-end.

Nothing a good cheese pizza can’t take care of, right?

Because here’s the deal… Given the rocket science execution of carpooling schedules, the brain surgeon deftness of managing tenuous social strata drama and the Olympic feat of fielding teacher e-mails about missing home work and concerning behavior limiting potential there’s zero room for rest. Forget relaxation.

It makes absolutely no difference whether you’re a full-time working mom, full-time momming mom or part-timer. The stress, responsibility, guilt and emotional break-downs just shift territories.

If you love your kids, it is overwhelming. Period.

I’m reasonable. It’s perfectly okay for them to be getting the hang of gratitude, courtesy, cleanliness, homework and proper form for the occasional shoulder rub right up until, say 7. But after that, they need to shift it into fifth gear.

This will not actually change the list of things that needs to get done, but, like Vitamin K or a quick trip to St. Barthes, it will definitely alleviate the low-grade feeling of ineffective worthlessness that settles in around 3ish.

I write this to you from the bowels of 4:30 where it is an absolute miracle I am still typing and doing so partly just to avoid the myriad of nut and chocolate products calling to me from the kitchen.

This is extremely dangerous.

Why? Because the only thing worse than L.A.D. is the overlay of F.A.D. Food Anger Disorder. This occurs, when in an effort to alleviate the downward spiral of late afternoon into early evening, unwanted food is consumed, usually in unwanted amounts.

Similar to middle of the night eating, it is so close to an unconscious act that the caloric damage done can only be calculated after the sugar has woken the brain back up. And by then it’s too late.

The benefits of spin class have been obliterated. The previous day’s promise to engage in a half-day starvation cleanse destroyed. Plus, there’s guilt and self-directed anger because who else was supposed to keep an eye on things.

Anything else? Well, funny you should ask. Yes. There’s an additional below the surface but palpable mood of potentially explosive irritability.

What could possibly set this off you may wonder?

T.A.D. Also unknown as Teen Apathy Disorder.

We are still a few months away from the big one three but let’s just say we are in full-blown periteenopause. And the lack of eye contact, reasonable responsiveness, download of requested information and sweatshirt hoods pulled practically over the eyes, even at breakfast is, how to say, triggering.

Call it indifference, lethargy, laziness, extreme boredom, excruciating lack of interest, mental droopiness or when I’m feeling more generous of spirit, which is definitely not after 2:59, spiritual ennui.

It doesn’t matter what name you give it.

It doesn’t matter that it’s linked to hormones or brain development. It doesn’t matter that parenting books describe it as totally normal and suggest parents be understanding and supportive during this difficult time.

These books are obviously not talking to 1) moms or dads going through a mid-life thing 2) parents suffering from L.A.D. or 3) the compounded complications of F.A.D. And no amount of meditation or chi balancing takes the edge off.

However, I’m pretty sure a personal weekly masseuse and monthly aforementioned two day spa getaway wouldn’t hurt. Just sayin.