Catalyst for Freedom

What Is Your Word for 2015?

In our family we have a tradition of choosing one to three words that will be our goal/ mantra/ inspiration for the New Year. At the end of the year we take a look back and see how we did.

I get kind of excited about this tradition. In the past I have tended to create small encyclopedic philosophies and elaborate multi-tiered taxonomies around each of my three words. The problem is, after around January 12^th the jubilant enthusiasm and profound clarity of it all begins rapidly evaporating until January 14^th when it’s gone.

So, this year, I am following in the tradition of my occasionally (alright, usually) wiser husband, who chooses one word. No big long explanations.

My word for 2015 has plagued me with its bossy should, overbearing no and imposing NOW… until now. Fun word choice, right? Well, actually, this year, yes. BECAUSE… I have totally redefined discipline.

Freedom is the Fruit of Discipline

Ugghh. I know. Makes you want to eat a sleeve of frozen Thin Mints.

Sounds like a vomity self-help bullet on the cover of a How To Zen paperback at the CVS pharmacy check-out (where you will be trapped for hours waiting for your z-pack only to discover they’ve lost your insurance information). Let me explain.

I have been thinking a lot about freedom lately. For me, it used to mean doing what makes me happy, not having to do what anyone else says, calling my own shots, living my way.

This translates differently for everyone. For me, it meant putting my cigarette out as I walked into the gym (25 years ago) and eating as many cookies as I wanted (10 days ago). But here’s the deal. These decisions (and plenty others like them) only ever end up hurting me. So, freedom always ended up being the inverse of punishment. I am a quick study with many things. Not this one.

I am considering the possibility that freedom is actually the by-product of something much bigger. Discipline.

I used to think discipline was executing the advice of authorities like fitness experts, career gurus or parenting professionals on what it takes to achieve thinner thighs, a six-figure salary or well-rounded children.

Here’s what is excellent about being 45. When I am centered, which is an increasing amount of the time, I care less and less about more and more. My thighs are strong and will NEVER fit into Theory jeans. This is okay. I have a salary that allows me to do more than I ever imagined. And my sons are the loves of my life, with or without their MOMA memberships.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still plagued with insecurities BUT I no longer think discipline is about some external source out there telling me what to do. Now I look outside simply for suggestions, ideas, directional cues.

The other unlikable part of discipline for me has been its unbending strictness and rigid rules. But maybe that is just someone else’s definition. What if discipline is not about enforcing will power? We are so busy as a culture imposing our will on things. What if we reacted less and responded more? What if I did?

What if discipline is about protecting personal peace? Practicing self-love? What if discipline is about being willing to see and be with what is?

Let me begin 2015 by saying, I am nervous about this.

I am good at being rigid. Really good. I know how to make rules and follow them. I know how to punish myself for not following them. But being willing to see what is, well, that’s a whole different thing.

Growing up, I was taught how to muscle through difficulty. I was taught how to rise above having my feelings hurt. I get confused, even now, because isn’t perseverance a good thing? Isn’t it our job to toughen up our kids? Get them ready for all the hardship that will eventually come their way?

It seems so murky. But, it’s not.

The answer is found in the question: Why?

Why is going to the gym difficult today, for me? Why did it hurt my feelings that my friend hasn’t called back for weeks? The key is NOT why is it hard to go the gym or why didn’t my friend call back. The key is why is it hard or hurtful FOR ME?

The same thing that’s hard for me may not be for you. And vice versa. AND the answer may be different depending on the day. So, it’s important to ask and see what is. My tendency is to answer this question with my smart deductive reasoning. This never works. How can I tell?

Because NOTHING inside me softens and NOTHING about the difficult situation becomes easier. The answer to the question why is always emotional, usually based on a false belief we absolutely believe to be true. So, we have to keep asking why, even when it gets super irritating. We keep gently asking why until we can feel in our body something soften and feel right.

Take the gym example. Why is it hard for me to go the gym right now? It’s going to take too long. I am tired. It’s cold out. I don’t feel like it.

This is where I usually stop. Seems like a good list of reasonable reasons. Except that these reasons exist pretty much all winter. So why is today difficult?

I feel like its one more thing I HAVE to do. I don’t like skiing and I am here in Vermont. I offered to ski this afternoon and I really don’t want to. I wish I was in Mexico.

This is an excellent trick I use to distract myself from the question at hand. It allows me to go down into an entirely new area of inquiry. Gently, I return myself to the question, but why don’t you want to go to the gym?

I don’t want to get fat. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to worry about it anymore. I want to eat cookies and not count calories. I don’t want to feel so scared I will hate myself if I am not as close to perfect as is possible?

Tears are a good sign I’ve hit truth. My shoulders drop. My chest softens. And the situation transforms. It is not at all about the gym. It’s about my cruelty toward myself. It’s about feeling terrorized and having no out. No safe places to turn.

Going to the gym is no longer laced with difficulty. But WAY MORE IMPORTANTLY, I’m no longer pre-punishing myself with running aggressive intervals or denying myself a cookie at teatime. I feel most interested in doing what it takes to protect my peace, to practice self-love and kindness. I am no longer obsesses with whether I go to the gym or not.

The truth is, what we resist persist.

So, it IS about persevering through difficulty. But it’s NOT about persevering through the difficult situation. Rather, the trick is persevering through the difficult feelings that make the situation seem difficult. The trick is asking WHY until we are able to see and be with what is. The amazing part, as shown above, is this: If we are disciplined about seeing and being with what is, the difficulty dissolves.

And there is room for freedom.