If You Build IT…

They will throw their arms around you…

with gratitude for envisioning something so innovative and inspiring… or… theywill throw grenades and slap their knees as they laugh uproariously at the feeble fragile craftmanship of your precious little passion.

There are three questions: Who are they? What exactly is it? And how do you keep on keeping on knowing that you will not know whether to expect the triumph of victory or the agony of defeat or even if either is really truth or illusion in disguise?

This is when I hear the pint of ice cream beckoning me … Just one bite, maybe two, a little break before tackling something so huge. This is too big to take on without a little sweetness, a little love, a little distraction.

It IS big. Very big.But here’s the dealio. Not today.

Well, I don’t want to make that long-term a commitment.

Let’s just say, not in the next two hours.

So, who are they? ‘They’ are the assholes and angels who love and hate us. The critical, judgmental, voices of rejection out in the world. AND in our heads. Goblins of fear, vampires of confidence, ghosts of insecurity… But also, sprites of possibility and faeries of good fortune.

Here’s the real challenge, as if navigating all these voices wasn’t enough, they are not always what they seem. In fact, frequently they aren’t. They are shapeshifters and wisdom speakers who often talk in upside down riddles that sound one way but upon closer inspection, are actually another.

There are people who seem aloof but end up being true blue and people who seem empathetic but pull back when challenges arise. And layered within those external experiences are all the nuances of internal processing and historical patterning that make staying ‘awake’ in the world a full-time job.

Just in case that wasn’t dense enough there’s the question of what it is.

If you build it…

I had been thinking ‘it’ was any of the multitude of endeavors I’ve been trying to build.

My third album, our house renovation, the Evolve the Conversation broadcast series we’ve been pitching, our company’s Canadian cannabis business, my marriage as more than a co-management role AND a loving, resilient parenting strategy that doesn’t make me want to self-destruct, shoot venom from my eyes or take an Uber to Mexico.

Lately, however, I have been sensing that perhaps what I am really trying to build is something much more complex, unpredictable and obtuse.

I know, I know…why don’t I just take a bath or binge watch “The Man In The High Castle” or say yes to that pint of ice cream. No such luck!

I am a seeker, a pilgrim, a crazy person hell-bent on exploring the unknown. So, here we go…

I think what I am really trying to build is faith.

My therapist (yes, I have one) has smartly suggested that perhaps I start with faith in faith. I don’t think he thinks I’m quite ready for the real thing. I imagine he sees it like training wheels for people who don’t speak trust as their first language.

He cautioned me that it will feel uncomfortable, frustrating and stop-starty. That I should NOT expect, even this scaffolded approach, to be quick or even mildly rewarding for a little while (deep breath). But not to give up.

This was strangely comforting.

Usually, when I finally come to an epiphany about something, I assume implementing my realization into reality will be hard work but smooth sailing. It never is. And then I usually feel defeated and begin re-evaluating whether my original insight was even valid.

Plus, I have a sketchy history with faith.

Here is a quick synapsis. For those of us who subscribe to dogged determination, fierce commitment, relentless can-do spirit and plain old hard work– faith seems suspiciously akin to laziness… AND dubiously passive, as in I have faith my business will triple profits next year and my fine lines and wrinkles be diminished by 33.3%.

Faith used to confuse me. Okay, turn over my control to faith and what? Eat bon-bons and watch for miracles. Then it seemed too demanding and potentially threatening. Like huh, so you want me to take all these hard-won skills, emotionally adaptive tools and disciplined thinking and… surrender them?

Finally, I decided okay, fine, I will give faith a shot, a kind of trial run. I will work hard, put my very best intentions forward and then stand back and give it some room, to, you know, work its magic. Nada. So, I gave up on faith.

But it’s been scratching at my screen door, like a sweetly persistent dog, longing to be let in.

So, I have been working on a new and improved personalized formulation of faith.

Here’s my brand promise for ‘Faith’

Faith is a three-fold re-alignment of priorities with a value-oriented reason to believe or your hopelessness back guaranteed. In all seriousness, I do think there needs to be an incentivized program to encourage repeat practice despite a lack of short-term results. Here it is.

One. Surrender worry SO THAT I can play with possibility INSTEAD OF simply just pushing harder or shutting down.

Two. Let go of mental control SO THAT I can listen to my intuition INSTEAD OF constantly being disappointed in myself for not figuring it all out.

Three. Accept my complete inability to know the future SO THAT I can pay attention to what might make me feel good now INSTEAD OF spinning around in fear-based, if-then scenarios.

Keep in mind, I have been relegated to the bunny slopes, for now. So, so all I really have to do is have faith in faith and not expect any big miracles. However, I am hoping one or two small cosmic signs isn’t out of the question.