Look for Trap Doors

They are everywhere but camouflaged.

Once you open one, you begin seeing them all over. The problem is, the faster we move, the busier we are, the more chock-a-block our lives, the more invisible they become.

This is a drag because that’s when we need them most.

The feeling of personal overwhelm is like an acute inner claustrophobia.

It’s the feeling that in fact, maybe things are not going to be okay. And even if they are, you probably won’t be.

It feels like the walls have been slowly closing in forcing you to put extracurricular endeavors like fun, hope and levity on the back burner.

It feels trapped, unwinnable and toxically stagnant.

And it is.

BUT, the incredibly freeing and somewhat silly thing of it is this: When you decide for real that you don’t want to live like that, you begin seeing the doors. Or maybe they begin seeing you.

The result is the same.

A hot bath no longer seems too time-consuming.

Neither does coffee with a dear friend. Nor a completely agenda-less conversation with your child or god forbid spouse.

Time open herself up to you like a late summer moon, full and open and magical.

Obviously this happens with death. When someone close to us dies all the pressing five alarm daily emergencies suddenly disappear as if they were never there.

But shirking life is equally as catastrophic an event.

We just keep forgetting.

In our earnest efforts not to miss out on any opportunities we miss out on the most important ones.

No on is more guilty of this than I.

But my recovery time is getting shorter and shorter. I can FEEL the wrongness of it faster. The tension in my body. The shortness in my voice. The much higher likelihood of my internally flipping out when things don’t go according to plan.

It is a feeling.

A feeling I used to squelch with my big important thoughts.

These would range from thoughts about how I needed to suck it up just until the project was done. Thoughts about how I was overreacting and if everyone around me can do, than what the hell is wrong with me.

My thoughts all go smack-down.

But many people talk to themselves in a kinder gentler voice to avoid acting on their feeling. More of a cheerleading… You’re doing great. Just a little longer. You’re helping so many people, just keep at it.

Regardless of the tactic, the result is treason.

This is not an exaggeration.

YOU are your own homeland. So if you betray yourself, if you are duplicitous with yourself about what your body and heart tells you is true, it is an act of personal treason.

And you do pay.

With your health, your feelings of self-worth, your sense of humor, light-heartedness and creativity. I pay this toll constantly until I remember Overachiever is not a state I want to visit.

We are so uber focused as a culture on achievement, even the achievement of learning how to be better.

Feeling is flimsy, lame and kind of obvious.

Except it’s all we have that makes anything worthwhile. So maybe if we pay attention to the signs we are about to commit personal treason, we’ll stop sooner and see the beautiful trap doors earlier.