Slave to Illusion

Digital bondage is the new (not so) free love.

I have written about the effects of social media and our uber connected culture before, mostly to document findings after my 40-week unplug. To be clear up front I am neither n favor nor against social media. I am merely trying to pay attention to how it impacts my life and the lives around me.

I have been reconnected digitally for a month.

I thought it was going well until this past week. I have felt edgier and edgier.

More unsettled. More frantic about finding solutions, trouble-shooting problems, worrying about the present, strategizing for the future, researching, planning, multi-tasking– all activities our current culture applauds– all accomplishment-driven behavior a mom, career woman, school enrichment chairperson, grocery-shopper, budget planner– anyone really, would feel good about.

And yet, I don’t. Somewhere inside, I can feel something is amiss. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t pinpoint it. But I know.

And it’s important not to let reality get in the way of truth.

My husband and I usually assume we must be doing too much of this or that. So, we pare back. But nothing changes. Our stress levels still leave us feeling like we are doing too much, have no free time and no fun.

Maybe we have too much on our plate. But I don’t think that’s it. I don’t think the problem is the quantity of things we do. I think the problem is the quality of attention we give to them.

The problem is not the quantity of what we do but the quality of how we do it.

In the name of being on top of things, getting the job done, getting ahead of the curve, ahead of the game, being a good employee or manager, a responsible owner, client or vendor, a supportive friend, sister, spouse or team player– we have drip by drip over time  traded in our experiential connection for our digital connection. We have given up our unique moment for the endless array of digital possibilities.

We allow the digital parade to bleed into all areas of our life– our romantic dinners, our bedrooms, the meaningful moments with our children– everywhere.

Our intentions may be pure. But our attention is divided.

I practice piano with our boys, check my phone on a bathroom break, get a bad e-mail, get frustrated and a different mother returns. My mind has left the building. My patience has eroded. My son’s gloriously dramatic performance of heart and soul has become a bullet point in the morning I have to get through in order to handle the new crisis du jour. The magic is gone.

I become again, a doer of tasks instead of a passionate curious pilgrim of life.

In the name of generosity, achievement, responsibility, necessity, love– whatever we hold responsible for our compulsion, we end up becoming simply the executors of our living wills. It is a particularly apt metaphor because in essence the part of us that makes us feel alive is dead. We are simply carrying out the plans we put in place, like a personal assistant. We have become a third person version of ourselves.

I wasn’t aware until I started talking about it last night, how much this digital bleeding has effected my well-being. It cumulatively builds into a  chronic anxiety. I feel like I am internally racing all the time from the second I wake up till the hours I unsuccessfully try to go to sleep.

Racing, racing, racing– my body seemingly fifty feet ahead of me, my mind a mile ahead in a different direction, my heart frantically trying to get the various pieces of me back in one place and my soul, or whatever that central sense of inner consciousness is, feeling scattered, fragmented– scared.

It is an intolerable way to live.

We want to be present. But many of us, myself to be sure, are not doing what it takes to make that happen. The problem is NOT being digitally connected. It is NOT being on social media. It IS being on ALL of it ALL the time.

I know this is probably a HUGELY controversial thing to say, but I do believe the assumption that most of us (not including doctors on call and other extreme situations) must be reachable 24/7 or our businesses and relationships will suffer is a fear-based illusion.

Maybe seven days a week during certain time slots. Maybe five days a week for twelve hours. Everyone’s personal circumstances are different but unless we get really disciplined about when we are connected to what or whom we will be ineffectual and joyless about everything we do.

Perhaps it helps to plan for when we WILL be digitally connected so the anxiety about when we are not is mitigated. Perhaps this issue is more dramatic for entrepreneurs’ and A-type personalities or people craving more from their life.

It is the tofu of modern day addiction.

It takes on whatever the qualities the person using it needs it to be. It can be like cocaine for connection with the adrenalin rush of accomplishment. Or it can be like quaaludes for zoning out and not having to think about anything. Or it can simply be a nice glass of wine. I do realize there ARE people with healthy digital relationships.

For the rest of us, sometimes it’s hard to see the illusions until we break the patterns that enslave us to them. They are like unconscious biases.

Digital communication, like nuclear energy, education or a pen is a powerful tool. Whether it helps or hurts all depends on how we use it.