Integrity of Intention

Rediscovering the Why Behind the What

I wake up sometimes with what I affectionately call, a rainbow of aggravations. This well-curated collection of irritations greets me eagerly, relieved at finally having full access to my conscious mind after limited admission to my dreams.

The rainbow is filled with a full palette of stressors– fear of falling short of goals, interpersonal tight ropes, scheduling gridlock, parental performance anxiety, frustration of people who don’t follow through on promises and the relatively new undercurrent of terror about our country’s well being.

The list spans the spectrum.

Essentially, I wake up in fifth gear, revving right out of bed, anxious to get ahead of the day’s inevitable challenges. Some days this feels like ambition, motivation, desire, like the get-up-and-go, can-do energy that drives greatness in the world.

We do the tasks required to reach the goals.

Artistically cultured, musically skilled, academically challenged, physically fit, nutritiously responsible, intellectually inspired, self-aware, socially responsible, spiritually in-tune, financially secure.

We are moving through the motions but missing the mojo.

Some days it feels too big, like too much is being required and I have failed before I even begin. As a proponent of be the change you seek, I decided a couple mornings ago to engage the mindful awareness skills I’ve acquired over the past couple years.

I lovingly placed each individual worry on its own little cloud and sent them all off into the horizon, excited for the blue sky of possibility ahead. And the opportunity to be free from my self-created dramas.

It worked, right up until the kitchen sink full of dishes.

Ever feel like you have outgrown your current self but haven’t quite figured out how to evolve into your next spiritual emotional incarnation? You know it’s going to be amazing, but you haven’t quite rounded the bend on what exactly that will look like.

Sort of like you’re waiting for your new and improved Godot, but dubious as to whether there is any real metamorphosis on its way.

This morning, as I forced myself to do another rigorous round of gym routines, a phrase crossed in front of my consciousness.

Integrity of intention.

This happens sometimes, this broadcast message from the universe, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed and barely present despite the intensity of my endeavor. I bent down for my fifty-millionth squat this week, and thought, why?

My intention is to be fit. Okay, but why? Because I want to feel good in my body. Okay, but given the fact my quads, hamstrings and hips are killing me, quick question:

Why in God’s name am I doing sooo many squats?

And still feel like it’s probably not enough. Why have I eaten a pound of salted roasted cashews and still feel like it will never be enough to fill me up?

Why am I about to have a breakdown because the kids schedule which I have orchestrated within an inch of my life just had two things switch which means approximately fifty million more thoughtfully crafted email requests in which I try not to sounds like a complete lunatic?

Why am I doing all this?

Will there be some kind of cosmic, karmic recognition?

Will, at some point in the near future, some executive angel tap me on the shoulder and say, Congratulations you have worked sufficiently hard enough and you’ve won!

We’ve decided to grant you a kick-ass metabolism, reduced appetite, killer abs, a long-term fulfilling career collaborating with brilliant, creative, respectful people and yes, that inner peace and heart-centered balance you’ve been reading about…

Plus, as a special one-time bonus offer, we’ve decided to throw in… Patience!

I do what I do out of love.

At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. But I think that is dangerously close to bullshit because I have to say I am not feeling an overwhelming sense of love. Now, in fairness, love can be a little complicated.

For instance right now I’d love a brownie a la mode. However, later I’d love not to have a sugar low and feel guilty. I’d love not to think about the boys’ lacrosse schedule but I’d love more to know they are set for the season. I’d love to veg out on realtor.com but id love the after effect of meditating more.

Here’s what I forget amidst the hairball of short-term vs. long-term decision-making:

Love is not an action plan.

It’s not a thing you do or don’t do, not a killer accomplishment or charitable contribution. Not an act of generosity or will power. Love is not WHAT you do. It’s WHY you do it.

This is where integrity comes in. Intention is one thing but integrity (the essence or motivation or WHY) of intention is something altogether different.

Let me give you an example. Last weekend, I decided that in an effort to take the higher ground and practice kindness, I’d say hello to a notoriously aloof socialite who goes to my gym and used to be a very dear friend before amassing a wealthy husband, new boobs and jet setting cronies.

She looked past me, half smiled and didn’t say a word.

I felt stupid and rejected though feigned my very best nonchalance.

Upon later reflection, the irony was kind of comical. She was probably trying to do the same thing I was: take the higher ground and practice kindness in acknowledgment of the friendship we used to have. Good intentions.

But did either of us do what we did with integrity of intention?

I would venture to say not so much. She was afraid of potentially committing to a conversation with a B- when there were a good handful of A’s in the immediate vicinity, one with whom she was already speaking.

And I was subconsciously still trying to prove I’m no longer the chubby unpopular little girl. Nor the introverted, sensitive girl. My intention seemed good until I looked at my motivation.

Integrity means truthfulness.

And truthfulness requires an ability to see through unconscious personal biases. It’s a way of seeing through our own smoke and mirrors. A way of discerning, whether we are being truthful about why we do what we do.

For me, integrity is something that arises out of feeling love. Not acting in the name of love but when in my body and heart I feel love.

It’s not what you do but HOW YOU FEEL about what you do.

So I am going to ask myself next time I do something… do I FEEL obligation or true compassion? Insecurity or genuine kindness? Exhaustion or real empathy? Pride or love?

I am going to try to put my why before my what.

Consider the possibility what I do may change considerably when I really figure out why I want to do it.