Collateral Joy

Bring it on baby!

So there is the THING that happens. And then there is what transpires as a result. And what transpires as a result of that.

My dad forgot my birthdays from 40 up through 45. He picked me for secret Santa this past year and forgot that too.

His love runs deep. It just doesn’t always shine through his needs.

This did not hurt my feelings.

Until it did.

I don’t believe what is given and received in any relationship is quantifiable or even really able to be perceived in our limited three dimensional, five-sensory human experience.

BUT, a little gratitude is nice.

And often there is none forthcoming. Just an expectation of more.

This brings me into the mindfully aware space of WTF. It inspired something slightly to the left of the loving kindness I’ve been trying to practice. More of a … where are my f’in presents for the last five years.

Anywho…

Deciding not to be a victim and not wanting to guilt him or hurt his feelings, I decided to take a positive, empowered approach.

I called and told him I finally had an answer to his question (which I figured he’s the kind of dad who’d have wanted to ask) about what I wanted for Christmas and my missed birthdays. I asked for two 50 minute sport massages.

He said great.

I gave him the number of the spa.

Didn’t hear anything back. Three months later, he asked if I’d used the massages. I said I didn’t know he’d gotten them, but thrilled, I thanked him.

Excited, I called to schedule one.

They didn’t have anything on file.

They asked for the credit card so they could check all the records.

My dad called to give it to them. He gave them two different expiration dates because (as they later told me, he couldn’t read the number). I wondered why this never happens when he books his trips to Key West and Oregon.

Hmmm…

Anyway… they checked the card with both expiration dates for twelve months.

Nothing.

I debated letting it go. But then I thought to myself, no, this is something that hurt my feelings. Giving up on taking care of this is giving up on taking of me. It is kind of like a message to myself that I AM worthy of following through for.

So, I called to tell him and said they were very sorry but there wasn’t any record of a purchase. But f he had a credit card statement with the purchase they would put it right through.

He was indignant and angry. Said the guy there was an asshole and he’d have to call me back. He didn’t.

That was five days ago.

So, I decided it was time to revise my message to myself.

Well, actually, the message was exactly the same. It was just I had to be willing to give the gift to myself, MYSELF.

This was something I would normally not do. Seems too self-indulgent. Too expensive without some kind of hard goods exchanged or educational benefit.

I am weird like this.

Perfectly willing to spend on some things but reliant on gifts for others.

But the I remembered this great quote from one of my favorite books: The Presence Process by Michael Brown, in which he says, You have to be willing to give your self the resonance of that which you are seeking.

The resonance I am seeking the feeling of being cared for, of easing the knots in my neck and back.

So, I called and made the massage appointment.

I went. I got a terrific massage from a master therapist. I paid.

And in some peaceful pocket of my consciousness I thanked my dad for the gift he gave me by not giving me any.

The story, which I’d thought was about my dad was actually about me. Always is. But it’s so darn hard to see it that way.

Until you refuse to hold yourself hostage anymore.