Lost in Venice

The narrow streets and canals? Easy peazy.

As a family, we’re pretty good with maps. Plus, lost and sightseeing are kind of the same thing, no? More a question of semantical preference.

Where we did get lost was inside our beautiful room at the Luna Baglioni around 10PM. Finn had had a few ‘non-listening’ events that evening, the last of which could have been life threatening.

Joe and I were trying to manage a rather large new business pitch and home improvement project, both of which were supposed to have been shored up weeks before leaving. Attempting to do this with the time difference and without impacting the ‘fun factor’ on our family vacation had become, how to say, CHALLENGING.

Needless to say voices got raised. There were tears. And then sleep, while Joe and I sat on the bathroom floor and tried to muddle through project details and how to inspire Finn to listen instead of berating him into it.

He doesn’t mean any harm. Neither do we.

But physical safety counts. Sanity too. For all of us.

When we retuned from the bathroom to go to bed, we found Leo fully awake. He asked if he could talk to us. I’m in the worst kind of trouble, I thought.

Leo: Sometimes I feel like Finny is going to close up one day because he doesn’t feel like he can do anything right. He is going to disappear a little at a time. And so sometimes I do things he wants me to do even though I know I’m not supposed to and will get in trouble, because I want to support him and make him feel fun.

Long pause.

For the record: We think Finn is an absolute one of a kind genius. We think he is a gifted talented amazing human and we tell him ALL the time. Well, 90% of the time. We can do better on our frustration with his listening. And we try every day.

Me: Leo, I totally hear you and you know we love you both so much. We think Finn is amazing but we also don’t want him to be in danger. But you’re right. We can definitely handle it better and starting tomorrow, we will.

But, I want to know how all this makes you feel.

The floodgates opened. There was sobbing, snuggling and then, this…

Leo: I feel lost when I am not being who I am.

I made him say it three times. Actually probably like ten. I have been trying to say something that succinct for like thirty years. Ahhh, yes. That about sums up that dazed and confused with nowhere to turn feeling.

We told him he was an absolute genius and it was one of the smartest things we’d ever heard. We use genius a lot in our family.

Leo: I am not being who I AM when I do things I don’t want to do to try and make Finn happy. But I feel like I am being a bad brother if I don’t do what makes him feel good.

I knew at the time (which was last summer) that this was a critical conversation. And I was paying full attention but I couldn’t help feeling SO proud of his ability to navigate his emotions so clearly.

I don’t feel like I am being who I am often.

When I laugh at things I don’t think are funny to make someone else feel good. When I say I think something is a great idea because I know my opinion doesn’t matter and the person will do whatever they want regardless.

When I armor up to interact with the hard-core people who find my sensitive childlike nature to be lame. When I act cool to engage with the socially elite who find my playful, spontaneous vibe to be unhip. The list is endless.

But the result is the same.

I feel bad.

And, if I act that way with any regularity, which depending on the week and circumstances is possible, I feel lost.

So, I fully get it.

The best I can do is share. I am an authority on nothing. But I am a perpetual student and a work truly always in progress.

So, as a family, we exchange learning as we go.

I told Leo, for people who are sensitive, like us, we can feel lost easily BUT we always get great clues ahead of that feeling IF we learn to pay close attention to inner reactions.

ME: Remember the time you told me your lips and tongue felt thick when you were going along with something your friends were doing that you knew wasn’t right?

Leo: Yes.

Me: Our bodies tell us what our soul wants us to know.

We talk about soul in our family as the guiding essence inside us that knows in a far deeper way than our five senses or brain or emotions ever could what we should do, where we should go, what is right or wrong for us. It’s like a personal GPS.

Me: Throat tightening, jittery heart palpitations, sweating when it’s not hot (flashes), jaw tightening, fluttery stomach, tensing toes and feet, feeling frozen still, acting jumpy or hyperactive– the clues are everywhere when we are off course.

In more severe cases and if we don’t listen over time we can get the flu or stomach ache or any number of physical ailments that we need to slow down and listen.

I’m not saying sickness is the result of ignoring your soul but I am saying that not being true to yourself can most definitely cause sickness!

It’s about becoming body aware and willing to self-correct.

Me: Leo, it’s such a wonderful thing to be generous and kind and giving, UNLESS, it’s at your own expense. Sometimes I do things that are not exactly who I am, if I think it is going to make someone else feel good.

BUT it is a conscious choice. AND I check-in with myself first to make sure it’s a ‘giving to someone else’ that isn’t a ‘taking something from me’.

AND if it I get a bad feelin,g NO MATTER how much it doesn’t make sense or it feels like I am being weak and pathetic, I don’t do it.

Because if I choose not to be who I am, who will I be? Where will I be? Lost, right?

Leo: I love our family.