No is the Ultimate Yes

Saying no used to make me feel selfish and inept.

Is it really that hard to help an elderly relative move? Is it really that hard to go to a friend’s b-day bash? Is it really that hard to send a supportive text?

No, of course not. It’s not that hard to do any of these things.

IF, that is all you are doing. IF, there is nothing else on your plate. IF, there are no other extenuating circumstances. IF, the person for whom you are doing it is not a passive aggressive guilt-tripper or a fair-weather social climber or bonafied asshole.

The problem is we don’t ask the right question.

It isn’t hard at all to give love to loving people. Even when we have a lot on our plate. So, if it feels really hard, something else is going on. The question is not: Is it really that hard to help an elderly relative move?

The question is: Will I feel good about being put down, made to feel little, selfish, humiliated and unloved? NO.

Will I feel good about re-engaging addictive patterns to cope with the cruelty because I understand it is perpetrated from a place of deep insecurity and a verbally abusive childhood? NO.

Will I feel good because I am trying to embrace a more forgiving, understanding way of being in the world? NO.

No, nO and NO.

But here was the turning point for me. The no is not a no to that poisonous person. It’s not even a no that toxic situation.

It’s a yes to me.

There’s endless fields of freedom around it, because the no is not a personal affront to them; it’s taking personal responsibility for me, and my wellness.

No to them means YES to me.

If I don’t do what will hurt me, I don’t feel bitter, resentful and angry. And that’s kind of a big relief. But even more liberating for me, is the realization that simply because this person is totally toxic to me, does not make them toxic. It’s not about judgment.

We all have different forms of kryptonite.

Superman’s was the radioactive substance that came from his home planet. It made him feel weak and powerless despite his enormous strength and goodness.

Our personal kryptonite has the same effect.

Some people I know are engaged in a self-improvement plan formulated around the idea that repeated toxic exposure builds incremental resistance. Some subject themselves knowingly. Others just don’t know differently.

This plan does not work for me.

Although in moments of weakness, I revert to it.

However, those who support this self-sacrificing or self-flagellating (depending on your perspective) behavior often feel judgmental toward those that don’t. As the occasional do-good martyr, I know exactly how they feel.

The thinking goes like this… Seriously? Oh for the Lord’s sake, suck it up! Take one for the team! Don’t be so selfish. Get over yourself!

But, whenever I do this, I feel weak, powerless and mistreated… by myself.

So far as I know, there was never a toughen-up program to help Superman get over his embarrassing weakness. He just had to stay the f*** away. This allowed him to use ALL his INCREDIBLE superhero skills for good.

What if he had spent his whole comic strip attempting to strengthen his one weakness? BORING! Exhausting. And REALLY hard to watch. No movies being made about that!

Whatever you focus on gets your focus.