Plugging Back Into … Clarity

Eleven weeks ago, I unplugged.

I went off all social media, FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc. This was not hard as I rarely spent any time there. HOWEVER, I also went off e-mail, cell phone and texting. And that was hard.

Prior to this, I thought the statistic wherein most people check their phone 150 times a day did not apply to me–at all! Not until I began my social media fast, did I become aware of ALL the times I check. Sometimes, just to delete junk e-mails and tidy up my inbox. Sometimes, just a quick-see (three minutes after my last) to see if the person I e-mailed had replied, if there was something new I should respond to.

Even though ninety percent of the back and forth texting and emailing seemed like a ludicrous, energy-sucking, life-stealing waste of time, I couldn’t not check. Just couldn’t. I’d sneak checks from the bathroom of restaurants like some closet smoker. I’d leave the family room and hide in the kitchen to do a quick check just in case… Just in case what? An unforeseen five-alarm digital emergency?

Seriously, it was as if an insane addict had taken over my thoughts and actions. I got tired of feeling anxious and on edge–I got sick of yo-yoing from superwoman social media master to overwhelmed social media martyr before my second venti coffee. So, I decided instead of being a victim of my own insanity, I’d take charge. I’d unplug.

I made a few rather striking realizations.

First, my social media addiction had little to do with social media.

There is a reason I never tried drugs and have issues with chocolate. My son had to actually hide the dark chocolate almond bark yesterday. See, I am just the slightest bit OCD, neurotic and crazy.

This was extremely helpful to remember, as it helps greatly with my upcoming Jan. 1 plug-back-in-plan. I have to set serious boundaries and rules, as much to protect others as myself. As an intensely sensitive person, my feelings get hurt easily if people don’t respond in a timely fashion. Within 3-12 minutes. Just kidding. But seriously, over 6 hours and I begin my frenzy of what have I done wrong insanity. They say awareness is half the battle. I would disagree.

I also torture myself over group e-mails. Is it rude not to respond? Loser to chime in and say something pithy but needless? Dorky to say something meaningful that no one will give a rat’s ass about? Who has time for this kind of needless self-reflective drama???

I also get irritated by people who drown my inbox with mass e-mail blasts requests, chain letters, etc. But then I feel guilty for not responding. And then resentful that I feel guilty! Oy vey.

Second, I am less revved up and anxious off the digital crack.

My constant urge to check had become a competitive game I played with myself to see how much more efficient, productive and responsive I could be. I was revved up all the time – the quickest slide to unlocker around. But, I wasn’t winning. And neither was my family.

The constant checking and conflicting fear and exaltation of what will or will not be in my inbox causes hundreds of microscopic panic attacks that lead to a series of miniature flight, fight and freeze responses that result I a sizably escalated stress level.

Third, it is sheer joy to have time back on my side.

The second day of my social media fast, I went to check e-mail at a stop sign and remembered my phone was at home! So, like everyone else, I looked at the beautiful fall leaves. It was October then. We all register this seasonal beauty with a sort of robotic appreciation.

But, this time, because it was’t on my way to doing something else, it actually sunk in. The golden-bronze hickories, scarlet-red maples, clear yellow tulip leaves – the brilliant pastiche right in front of me, fro only a few weeks more entered my being. I felt it. Not noticed it, but absorbed it into my shoulders, chest, body like sunlight.

The sheer joy also comes from having to be with my own happy, sad, humorous, grieving, quirky thoughts and feelings. They make me laugh and cry out loud. But they feel real. When my fingers are not frantically tapping a keyboard and my eyes aren;t glued to a screen, I feel like me.

So, my intention in 2015 is to plug back into… clarity

Over the past several weeks, I have begun selectively plugging back in. As of January 1st, I will be back. BUT, in a totally different way. The “unplug” helped me to differentiate between what is neurotic and necessary, between what is avoidance of personal reflection and support of friends, between what is masturbatory BS and valuable contribution. I’m sure I’ll be messing struggling to remember all these differences.

But you can’t un-know what you know!