Do I Go Bossa Nova

and Ballet Slippers or…

Or Cotton Candy and Sugar Daddy?

These are the pressing questions when standing at the nail color salon rack pre-mani/pedi.

It’s not an easy decision. The name suggests all different possible futures. How the week goes COULD BE tied later to this choice. And… there is no Deliciously Skinny and Joyously Calm.

There is Fierce, No Fear IF you think taupey grey compliments your skin tone.

Since when does taupe epitomize fierce? Isn’t that a bit of a naming snafoo? Wouldn’t No Fear indicate more of a lime green or cone orange?

But, not to fear the options are veritably endless. You can be Wicked one day and Lady Godiva the next. Play Devil’s Advocate or Truth Or Flare.

You can Rock The Boat, go Over The Edge … even go Topless And Barefoot. But I’m not sure where you go after that?

Some folks choose to go Too Taboo or Berry Naughty.

A select few go the route of Simply Serene.

FYI, this is not in high demand in my neighborhood.

In the off white shades you can opt for Starter Wife or its slightly darker cousin Curtain Call or somewhere in-between with Hi Maintenance and No Baggage Please.

Some brands, like OPI, go for more themed categories like Fifty Shades of Grey in which you can Cement the Deal, Embrace the Gray or simply Shine On.

If you play in their Hawaii theme, the options get a little more punny. For example, there’s That’s Hula-rious, Is Mai Tai Crooked or Go With The Lava Flow.

Little is more nauseating to me than a good pun.

Plus, I don’t find their polish to be as long-lasting. Their jars are not as sophisticatedly shaped. And the colors less inspired.

Looks do matter. As do names. And color.

But here’s the thing… I don’t think most normal people feel compelled to choose their nail color according to not only the color but also the connotative implications of the name.

After all, it’s not as if you walk around with the name highlighted on your forehead or tattooed to your soul.

It’s nail color, for God sakes!

But the scrutinizing I do prior to picking out my selection borders on obsessive.

My go-to pink shade is No Boundaries because, well, I like to feel unrestrained despite my not quite wildly avant-garde lifestyle. That, and it is a nice blue pink that agrees with my skin color.

I wish I had a bit more brash in my brilliant.

Because then I could be the daring girl who chooses Braziliant, and gets a complimentary dose of Brazil, which makes everything a hundred times sexier.

I envy the brave women who go for daring colors like the steroid mint green Shake Your $$ Maker. And then migrate fearlessly to a muddy purple Dive Bar.

The few times I have ventured beyond pink, red or white I have felt like an alien every time I look down.

I prefer my radical on the inside.